Israel
by AnnabelMinerva
Summary: A/O. After Lead. Quiet.
1. Israel

**Set post-**_**Lead**_**. **

Alex sat down, ordered a round of beer, and put her hands on the table.

"Have you ever heard of the state of Israel?"

Olivia raised her eyebrows.

"Have you _met_ John Munch?"

"Point taken."

"Not sure I've got yours."

"What do you know about Israel?"

"Not a whole lot. Can I ask why we're discussing geopolitics over ten-cent pretzels and twenty-cent beer?"

"Relevance will become apparent." Before the words were even out of her mouth, she had closed her eyes in frustration. "Sorry. I'm beginning to dream in legalese."

"You're forgiven. Israel?"

"Do you know how it came to exist?"

"Alex, as much as I'm glad to see you, this is not my strong suit and I'm exhausted. I'm going to fail this test."

"Not a test."

Olivia sighed.

"Israel. Home of the Jews after World War II, right? And I'm pretty sure it's got a kick-ass defence force."

"Exactly. I was reading an article that week that posited a new theory. The writer suggested that the reason for Israel's impressive military firepower is fear and a good memory. The Israelis don't trust anyone anymore."

"Which would hardly be surprising, considering that they're a nation made up of Holocaust survivors. Fascinating theory, Alex. But when you swung by the precinct and asked for a chance to explain yourself, I was expecting something a bit more personal and a bit less…current affairs."

"I've been a lawyer for too long. I've lost the ability to explain anything without an allegory."

At that, Olivia smiled.

"OK, Counselor. How does this tie in to your explanation?"

"You and El wanted to know why I hadn't spoken to you since I got back."

"That we did."

"I'm Israel."

Olivia took a sip of beer, sighed, and shook her head.

"Nope. Try me again."

Alex smiled.

"Bad things have happened to me-"

"Ain't that the truth," said Olivia under her breath.

"So I'm nervous. Of being hurt."

"Hang on. Who are the Nazis in this metaphor?"

"Zapata. Connors. Velez."

"But they're dead. Ish."

"Well, so are the Nazis. Ish."

Olivia grinned, and Alex smiled back.

"Alex, I'm still completely lost."

"It may not be the clearest explanation ever, I'll admit."

"A weakness? Good Lord."

"Stunning, I know."

"Come on. You know I'll grind the explanation out of you."

"I would expect nothing else, considering your line of work. Alright. I came back to New York, and I was still…scared."

"Scared of what?"

"My metaphorical Nazis. And Saudi Arabia, maybe. Iraq."

"In plain speech?"

Alex sighed, and Olivia's expression softened.

"I was…scared…that I would be vulnerable. Weak. Useless, in other words, to you. So. I took another job. Another life. But I must say, it's easier to pretend that you're someone you're not when everyone else thinks it too."

Olivia had, at some point, rested her hand on top of Alex's.

"It wasn't that I didn't want to see you all. But…it was like being Emily all over again. People got my name right more often. Called me Alex like you had. But it was all still WitSec. I don't really know why, but it was."

"So why did you come back at all? And why haven't you gone dashing straight back to Appeals?"

"I like this job."

Olivia raised her eyebrows.

"That simple? Really?"

Alex pressed her lips together.

"It's home." She paused. "And now I've said that out loud, it sounds quite ridiculous."

Olivia shook her head.

"Nope. Makes perfect sense to me. Well. Most of it didn't, but the last bit did."

"That a job finding and prosecuting the scum of humanity is home? Really?"

"Absolutely. My home as well."

Alex smiled, and laced her fingers with Olivia's.

"Good. That makes two lunatics around here."

"I wouldn't abandon you to be the only wacko around here, Alex."

"And Greylek was an _awful_ ADA," Alex added conversationally, and Olivia spluttered into her beer, laughing. "Someone needs to clean _that_ up."

"Jealous, much?"

"Oh, very much so. I thought I was going to hit Casey when I came back for the trial. Seething. How dare she steal my people while I was dead?" She closed her eyes again. "What a ridiculous sentence."

"If it's any consolation, we gave the cold shoulder when she turned up. Couldn't bear the idea of having anyone but you."

Alex checked to see if Olivia was joking, but her face was absolutely serious.

"Thank you, Liv."

"If you want the truth, I'm your girl. We missed you. I missed you."

"You missed me getting you warrants at all hours in the morning, more like."

"No." Alex had been joking, but Olivia was not. "I missed _you_."

Alex looked at Olivia's face carefully. She was quietly, deadly sincere.

"I missed you too," Alex said quietly. "A great deal."

Olivia smiled at that, and Alex did as well. Their hands were still laced together.

"How is the rest of your life?" Olivia asked.

"What rest of my life?" Alex replied. "I have a fiancé who left me. A few friends from the DA's office. And you people. That's it. How's yours?"

"Slightly less eventful than yours. And us people. El had another son."

"I heard. That must have been interesting."

"Interesting is a good word." Alex smiled. "Did anyone fill you in on _how_ it all panned out?"

No-one had, so Olivia took half an hour to fill Alex in on everything that had happened to them since she had left. It amounted to pitifully little. When they were done with the squad, Alex, with no fuss or emotion, told Olivia the story of her other life as Alexandra Cabot, Bureau Chief.

"It doesn't really…_scan_," Liv said when Alex was done. Alex raised her eyebrows.

"_Scan_?"

"Hey, I'm the daughter of an English professor. Cut me slack."

Alex merely smiled.

"It doesn't sound like you, is what I meant."

"It didn't feel like me."

With no preamble, Liv leaned the last few inches across the table and kissed her, gently. Alex was speechless, motionless. They broke apart.

"Did that," Olivia asked, nervous, "feel like you?"

Alex stood up abruptly, and Olivia's heart sank. Damn, damn, _damn_. So _close_, so damn _close_, and she had _blown_ it. She was such an _idiot_. _Damn_.

But then Alex reached out her hand for Olivia's and pulled her, gently, out of her seat. She was smiling. It was a shaky smile, but it was definitely a smile.

"Definitely," she said, so quietly that Olivia could barely hear her.

Alex threw a twenty at their table, and they walked out of the bar, silent, hand-in-hand, out onto the street.

"Let's go home," Alex said.

So they did.


	2. Identity

Later, (much, _much_ later) they lay together, quiet. Only their faces were together, nose to nose, forehead to forehead, and their hands, still laced together. The intimacy threatened to take Liv's breath away, but she managed to keep it together. Just. Alex's hair fell over her shoulders in messy disarray. Olivia had never seen her so…untidy. Imperfect. Beautiful.

"Did you miss me?" she said, so softly that Olivia felt the words more than heard them. "Consistently? Not every day, of course not. But every so often? Maybe when Casey brought warrants by, or something? Please." Her voice was tiny and scared. Liv had never seen her scared like this.

"Alex," she said, and Alex closed her eyes, basking in her real name. "I missed you every day. Every hour. For the first few days, every minute. Everything was judged by your absence. Even _seeing_ Casey hurt for a while. I saw you everywhere – blonde women on subways and in restaurants, women with rectangular glasses in the library, an endless parade of women in suits. Every time, it wasn't you. Until it was. And then it wasn't again. One time, someone was leaning over my shoulder and handed me warrant papers. For a sliver of a second, I believed it, and then I turned around and it wasn't you, of course, it was just Casey. I bit her head off for not being you. I missed you like a part of myself."

Alex breathed out, as if she had been holding her breath, and even someone who wasn't good at reading people would realise that she was relieved. And Olivia was very good at reading people.

"I thought it was just me," Alex said. "As I was moved from place to place, name to name, job to job, I clung to whatever I could. Mainly you. They wouldn't let me take much – anything, actually – but I had a photograph of you in my wallet."

"From where?"

"_Ledger_. That 'Angel of SVU' story."

"Oh." She was rendered speechless.

"You know how many times I was moved?"

Liv shook her head, gently, so that the stayed in the same position.

"Six. I kept screwing it up."

"How?" The question had escaped before she could stop. She was, after all, paid to be curious. Alex smiled, sad and pleased all at once.

"My name was the killer," she said. "I just couldn't get used to it. And then I'd do stupid things. Use legal terms by accident. Begin a story about something which happened to me, then realise it happened to the _other_ me. Freak out when you guys were on the news. Things like that."

"When were we on the news?"

"More than once. I remember someone saying, 'What the hell's wrong with Charlotte?' And they'd look at me, and I would say, 'Whom?' That tended to set alarms ringing."

"Charlotte?" Olivia raised her eyebrows. Alex wrinkled her nose delicately.

"I know. They needed names that fitted the voice." Olivia smiled. "So. Emily, and then Charlotte, and Elizabeth, and Sophia, and Amelia, and Helen. I was Helen for quite a while, actually. That one almost stuck."

"Face that launched a thousand ships," Liv whispered. "Suits you."

Alex blushed, the colour of a shell.

"Nothing compared to you. Prosaic."

"Uh-huh. Sure."

They stared at each other for a moment, and then they both smiled.

"Did you like being Helen?" Olivia asked.

"Yes, but mainly no."

"Only a lawyer could have given that answer."

Alex pinched Liv's arm, hard. She winced, then smiled.

"Ouch. Point taken."

"It reminded me of when I was a teenager," Alex said.

"What were you like as a teenager?" Olivia could hardly imagine it.

"Well, not much different. Colder. And cold doesn't really play well with teenagers, so not desperately popular. No, what I meant was that I felt detached from reality. Which I had felt as a teenager as well."

"Why?"

Alex thought about not telling her. Then she remembered that she was lying, near naked, with the person she trusted most in the world. Truth, whole truth, nothing but the truth. So help her God.

"I was nearly raped as a teenager," she said, and Olivia could tell, from the tone, that this was no longer an open wound. It had healed – it just hurt a little when you slammed into it. A scar. "I didn't deal with it properly. It isn't a big deal, now. But it was at the time. Easier just to retreat into my own world, you know?"

"Yes. I do." And she did. And Alex knew that, and it was a comfort to her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. Not now. Probably not for a while yet."  
"OK. It's alright. Tell me about Helen."

Alex was grateful for the sidebar.

"I think people who knew Helen thought she was a daydreamer. Always staring out of the window. Always reading. She wrote a lot, and it was mainly dreck. It was a life, of sorts."

"She wrote?"

Always perceptive.

"Mmm. One of my concentrations at Sarah Lawrence was creative writing. Damn stupid idea."

"Sarah Lawrence? I thought Harvard."

"Harvard Law. Liberal Arts first, Law second."

"Oh. No pressure, then."

Alex laughed. "Not in the slightest."

They paused for a moment, and Alex could see that Liv was thinking.

"What?" she asked, and Liv smiled.

"I was just wondering…"

"Wonder away."

"Did you ever feel like yourself again? Not like Alex, but like Helen or Amelia or something? Did you ever believe it?"

Alex sighed, and they were so close that Olivia felt Alex's breath against her own mouth, and it smelled, or tasted, of mint tea and wine and kisses.

"I never caught the hang of it," she said. "In the back of my head, I was always thinking 'But this is only temporary, so I don't need that couch'. 'There's no point getting a library card, I'll be back in New York soon'. 'I won't get used to this tea; they don't sell it at home'. I went out with a few perfectly nice men, and we'd watch a perfectly nice film and have a perfectly nice meal and I just kept looking at my watch and wondering when I could go home already."

"Any women?" Liv asked, carefully.

"One. Tall and dark-haired. I saw her across a bar, and for a second I thought…I thought you had done it. Come looking for me. I went tearing across the bar, and then she turned around and it wasn't you, but she asked me out anyway and I thought…but it hurt too much. It was so close, and then it wasn't. It hurt like someone was trying to stab me. We went to dinner, and for a second I took my glasses off and she was so fuzzy, indistinct, that it could almost have been you. But it wasn't, so I put them back on, paid for the meal, and went home alone."

"Every time?"

"Every time."

"When you came back, you said…"

"David. Who never saw me again. It didn't seem fair, after a while. I kept moving about because I kept screwing up, and after a while I just stopped trying. It hurt too much. And when I got back…I was _Alex Cabot_ again. _Alexandra Cabot_, daughter of _William_ and _Louise_. _Prosecutor_. All _true_. So I overdid it completely. And that was damn painful as well. There was no winning. Until O-ba-ma decided he needed Greylek, and here I am."

"O-ba-ma?"

"My little sister, Caro. Being a Cabot and a Democrat are mutually exclusive."

"Oh," Olivia smiled. "What's she like?"

"You're full of questions today."

"Just glad to have you back," she said honestly.

"Oh. Well, Caro's prettier than me-"

"Is that possible?"

Alex smiled, but rolled her eyes.

"Very much so. She's taller even than me, and her hair is longer. Her features are finer."

"What does she do for a living?"

"Breathes," Alex said, and Olivia smiled. "Married at twenty-two, a mother at twenty-three. Her husband's Michael Gabriel-"

"That hotshot business guy?"

"His son."

"And is she like you in personality?"

"Not dissimilar. Less argumentative. More easy-going. But she's no fool, either. I love her, and I missed her dreadfully when I was dead."

"I always envy people with siblings."

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand, trying to relay her sympathy and comfort. Olivia got the message.

"Thanks."

"You have family, Liv. Elliot is the most protective big brother I've ever seen. And Cragen loves you like a daughter. It's just…unconventional."

Olivia smiled.

"That's me all over. Ms Unconventional."

"I'm hardly a sterling advertisement for the quiet life either. Caro thinks I'm a lunatic for working here, when there's always a threat that I'll get exploded or run over or shot."

"Yeah, well, she wasn't wrong, was she?" Olivia said, and, with the hand that wasn't holding Alex's, rubbed the scar on Alex's shoulder with her thumb. "Do me a favour, Alex?"

"Anything."

"Never, ever do that to me again."

Alex, who had had her eyes closed, opened them and looked Olivia in the eyes. There was fear there, and pain, and what looked like love.

"I can't do that, Liv. God knows, I wish I could."

Olivia looked like she might cry, and Alex remembered the only time she had ever seen her cry before – when they said goodbye. Alex had been crying as well.

"OK," she said, and held Alex's hand tighter, as if she could prevent all the ills in the world if they could just stay together. "OK. But _try_."

"I always do," Alex said. "But we ought to be doing this the other way around, Liv. If you got shot-" Her voice choked her, which it hadn't done for a long time. "Liv, please. I don't want to be sitting in a hospital chair and be crying all over Elliot because you might die. For one thing, he'd probably hit me."

Olivia smiled, but she was crying now, tears that Alex could smell and feel as much as see. She was crying as well, and their tears gathered on the pillow.

"What would you say?" Olivia asked. "If I were dying, what would you say?"

"I'm not sure I would be able to say anything."

"Pathetic answer, Ms Cabot. Come on, all those words in your head and you can't string together a sentence?"

Alex laughed, but it was the hiccoughing laughter of crying.

"I'd tell you that I was sorry, that I hadn't been there to save you like you saved me. So sorry. It would tear me apart, that guilt, but I wouldn't tell you that because I wouldn't want you to feel guilty too. I wouldn't want that to be the last thing you felt. I'd tell you that I know what it feels like to miss you, because we have already lived apart and it felt like my lungs were on fire every time I breathed in. I would tell you that I would be hard to live without you, knowing that you weren't just across the country, still chasing bad guys and laughing and living, knowing that I would never see you again. I would tell you that I love you. More than I have ever loved anyone, anything, anywhere. I love you. And then I would kiss you, and that would be the last thing. So that you didn't have to feel anything else."

Olivia was crying harder now. She leaned in and kissed Alex, as gently as she could, trying not to cry on her. Alex kissed her back, and thought that if this were the last thing she ever felt, she would die happy.

"I didn't know," Olivia managed, eventually. "Oh, Alex, I didn't know. How long?"

"Forever," Alex said. "Since I met you, almost. But certainly by the time I left, I knew. And then I was dying, or at least I thought I was, and I hadn't told you and you would not _believe_ how pissed off I was." Olivia laughed at that. "When I woke up, you were the first person I asked for. The Marshals were _not_ impressed. I kept asking until they agreed, but then Elliot was there and I couldn't embarrass you like that and I just hoped…I hoped that you had seen it in my face even if I was too much of a coward to say so. And then I came back, and I _still_ didn't tell you, because we had the whole night to get through, and if you didn't…if you weren't…I needed you to be there, and I figured the best way to do that was to keep my mouth shut."

"Oh, I wish you hadn't."

"But I couldn't lose you again. I couldn't do it."

"Alex, I love you. And it took every inch of self-control I have not to tell you that when you were dying. But if you hadn't felt the same way, that would be a horrible thing to do to you. And I love you. So _don't you dare die on me for real_."

"I promise," Alex said, and laughed and cried and Olivia kissed her again, and she was crying as well and neither of them gave a damn.


	3. Image

**I find myself continuing to write this. Who knows why?**

Sometimes, Alex wished that she could stop time. This was one of those moments.

She was lying in bed; her hair half-heartedly tied up but mainly spread across her shoulders, her glasses within reaching distance but not yet in her hand. This meant that everything had a faint, fuzzy aura, that faces were difficult to identify and words hard to separate out from a black-and-white sea of text. Alex had learned to cope without her glasses, but it was much easier with them on. Now, however, she did not need to see the details. Olivia, still asleep, was such a vibrant presence that Alex thought she probably would have seen her even with her eyes closed. This was enough, Alex realised. Nothing else. Just this.

She extricated herself from Olivia's arms and legs and the sheets and went to start the coffee. Alex knew that Olivia was capable of very _solid_ sleep, and thought it a reasonable assumption that she would still be asleep when Alex returned.

Alex's headache, which she knew was only going to increase until she put her glasses on, was building at the front of her head, but she was enjoying the imprecise nature of the world without them. Maybe she could let the rest of her life be as imprecise, now. _All's fair in love and war_, she thought, smiling to herself and pouring water into the kettle. This was not, she had to admit, entirely what she had in mind when she had had in mind when she arrived at the precinct, hours and hours earlier, to speak to Olivia. It was a thousand times better, but also a little scary. Just a tiny bit. She had never let herself hope for so much, and so, while she had worked out a thousand times how to tell Olivia that she was hopelessly, _ridiculously_ in love with her, she had no idea what was going to happen now. None whatsoever. This was not her preference. She liked knowing what was going on, although she thought pretty well on her feet as well. It was a Saturday morning, bright and sunny. As far as she knew, Olivia hadn't got anywhere she needed to be, and neither had Alex, for a while.

She headed back upstairs, carrying two mugs of coffee. Olivia was, as predicted, still asleep. Alex set her coffee down on the nightstand, and held her own between her hands to try and keep them warm, gave up, and put her glasses on. Everything acquired _edges_, and Alex took a book from the pile, found where she had left her bookmark, and began to read.

"Hey," Liv said, struggling upright and yawning. "How long have I been asleep?"

"A while," Alex said, smiling, putting her book down and handing Olivia the other mug. "Coffee."

"Oh, I love you," Liv said, still half-asleep, and kissed her. "Thank you."

"If I'd known all I needed was a mug of coffee, we could have done this years ago," Alex said lightly, and Olivia smiled. They sat in silence for a while, just sipping and smiling like fools, delighted.

"Do you remember our first case?" Alex said, without preamble.

"Vividly."

"Do you remember _me_ on our first case?"

"Even more vividly."

Alex smiled, a little embarrassed. Olivia was grinning.

"Elliot came back from your office like he was going to slap someone. Probably you. Probably quite hard. And Munch told me the first time you ever met, you called in a favour with some judge in two minutes flat. Seriously, Alex - were you even trying to make a good first impression?"

"No," Alex said, and Olivia laughed. "And I'm stunned Cragen hasn't shared his war stories."  
"Oh, he did," Olivia said, and Alex groaned.

"What did I say? I'm sure it was perfectly horrendous."

"Oh, _perfectly_. 'I intend to stand on your shoulders to reach a broader constituency. Why would I limit my reach?'"

Her impression of Alex was pitch-perfect, from the way she sat, poker straight, to the way she held her coffee cup, to her voice. Alex put her head in her hands, and Olivia laughed again, and kissed her forehead.

"We were a little dazzled," she said.

"Aw. Kind choice of word there, Liv. 'Shell-shocked' might have been more appropriate. Or 'appalled'. Or even plain old 'furious'."

Alex got up and walked over to her wardrobe, began to flick through suit after suit, looking for something, anything, less formal. She ran her hand through her hair, and turned back to Liv. She was merely watching Alex, with concern and patience, and this made it worse.

"I love you," Olivia said. "And I'm no fool. What's wrong?"

"I have done some morally reprehensible things in my time," Alex began, fingering the sleeve of her favourite, pale tan suit. "And I wonder why I did them."

"Power," Liv said, bluntly. "It's corrosive."

Alex spluttered but didn't manage words.

"You wanted to be someone. Something. DA, I'm guessing."

Alex nodded.

"So you did what you had to do."

"You sound like Elliot."

Olivia grinned. "Well, and he's noted for his political deftness."

"Practically Machiavellian." Alex sighed. "Is that still how you see me? As power-hungry? Cold?"

"Do you even have to ask that question, Alex?"

Alex didn't say anything. Olivia set her coffee down and came to stand next to her. She caught Alex's face in her hands.

"Do you still want that life? Because if you do, I'm not going to be the one who stands in your way. We can keep this quiet. Dead people quiet. Hell, you could marry Huang if you thought that was going to improve your chances and I wouldn't give a damn."

"You wouldn't give a damn?" Alex asked, eyebrows raised, the very faintest hint of a smile at the corners of her mouth.

"OK, I would. It would hurt like all hell. But we'd still be together. I could be your bridesmaid. Elliot could be the best man. Cragen could give you away, and-"

Alex kissed her, and Olivia smiled against her mouth.

"Thank you," Alex said, quietly. "But I think Huang might have some objections to that plan."

"As if anyone would object to marrying you. Silly Alex."

Alex put her hand against Olivia's cheek, and thought that she had never loved anyone so much as she loved her at this moment.

"But seriously, Alex. If all you want the world to know is that we're two women who happen to be very close friends, I can live with that. That's why they're called 'private lives'. Private being the operative. You could find some acceptable rich gay boy who wants a quietly respectable marriage or something, and we'll go from there. I don't need to tell anyone. I haven't got any family. Not many friends. No appearances to keep up. I don't even need to tell Elliot. All I _need_ is you."

Alex smiled and tried not to show how moved she was by Olivia's thoughtful insanity. "That is the kindest thing anyone has ever threatened to do for me," she said, her voice cool but her expression warm.

"I mean it, too. I know how much this means to you. It's your life, Alex."

"I have a life already. Here. Now. With you. ADA Alexandra Cabot for Manhattan SVU."

"And you're telling me that you will never want anything else?"

"No," Alex said, honestly.

"Exactly. Look, Alex. I love you. I love you more than I can possibly say. And I can't bear the idea that I am the reason that you can't have _anything_ you want."

"Olivia. Since I was a teenager, all I wanted was to be a lawyer. My parents didn't think it was a smart choice."

"Not prestigious enough?"

"Too unethical," Alex corrected. "I have surprisingly good parents. I did it anyway. My father and I once sat down for lunch on the porch at Providence during my last summer before law school, and he said, 'Are you sure, Lex?' I said yes. He said 'But will it make me proud of you?'"

"Ouch."

"I know."

"What did you say?"

"I told him that it was what I wanted to do. And he sighed, and said, 'Alright. Then promise me something. At least consider being one of the good guys before you lose your soul to greed'. I promised him that I would, and that evening I went to our library and found my law books and tried to work out how to be the good guys. Apart from an affinity for Joni Mitchell, my father doesn't have a poetic bone in his body, so it must have been important. That's what I figured. That's why I did it."

"You are. You are most definitely one of the good guys, Alex."

"What I'm _trying_ to tell you, Liv, is that there are more important things than money and power. I gave up, potentially, earning _hundreds_ of thousands of dollars as a corporate lawyer because my father told me not to. And this was from a man who had spent his life making money, although, in retrospect, he was pretty ethical about it. I am happy to give up being DA for you. I love you at least as much as I love my father."

"But you don't _have_ to," Olivia insisted. "So don't. You've sacrificed enough already at the altar of 'doing the right thing'. I don't need anything more than this. Ever."

"I love you."

Alex kissed her again, trying to convey with actions what she could not express in words. Olivia put her arms around Alex's waist, and held her tightly. For a moment, Alex stood there, her head resting on Olivia's shoulder, and wondered how anyone could be so selfless. Then she remembered that this was Olivia Benson, and that the last time she had done anything selfish must have been about 1986.

Olivia suggested that they have breakfast, and Alex nodded. They walked down the stairs, and Olivia whistled softly.

"Damn, Alex. This place is quite something."

"You've seen it before," Alex said. "Last night, didn't you?"

"I was somewhat preoccupied," Olivia said, and Alex smirked.

They padded across the living room in bare feet, and Olivia stood awkwardly in the doorway to the kitchen as Alex heated up more water for tea.

"This look works for you," Olivia said, to make Alex laugh. They were both in sweats and t-shirts, although Alex was wearing her glasses and a pearl necklace that she had forgotten to take off. She looked the way Olivia always thought of her – beautiful, relaxed, and powerful, all at once. Alex laughed.

"Here. Are you to be trusted with a knife?" she asked, in a mocking tone. Olivia grinned.

"Just about."

Alex handed her a box of strawberries, and asked her to slice them into quarters. Olivia watched as Alex measured out loose tea leaves into a strainer, poured boiling water over them, then threw away the resulting liquid.

"What the hell," Olivia asked, politely, "are you doing?"

"It's tea."

"No shit," Olivia said, deadpan, and Alex smiled. "Why all the fuss?"

"I'm half English. Tea from a bag is worse than no tea at all."

"Princess Alex."

"Hey, I never question the coffee-with-sugar-but-no-milk insanity."

They sat down at the kitchen table, and ate. Both of them were hungry, as they had not eaten since lunch the previous day, what with one thing and another, so they didn't say much until they were done.

"Look, Liv," Alex began, from nowhere. "I love you. And I have done for a long time. At this point, the fact that you love me just as much, for just as long, is knocking me flat. And there is a part of me that can see what you are trying to do for me, and I love you even more for that."

"Good," Olivia said, and nodded decisively.

"Did I sound finished?"

"No. But I was hoping to cut you off before you said anything destructive."

Alex shook her head in faint, amused disbelief.

"It's almost as if you're chicken about being honest with everyone," she said, to provoke her. It had the desired effect.

"I resent that!" Olivia said, although she was grinning. "I'm not scared of anything."

"_Nothing_? You're a lunatic."

"What's the worst that can happen? I lose you. Already lived through it. Don't think I could do it again, not now, but no point panicking before anything even happens. I'm not scared of Elliot and Fin and _Munch_, for God's sake, in comparison to that."

And still more. Alex was stunned, as she often was, by how much she was underestimating Olivia's goodness.

"I don't want you to be unhappy. And one of these days, you'll wake up and regret never having been DA, and that will hurt like all hell. You don't need to get married – I was joking, a bit – but you don't need to wreck everything you've ever wanted for no good reason."

"You are a good reason."

"Which is incredibly sweet, but not desperately practical."

Alex looked Olivia in the eyes, and saw the hope and love in her expression, and could not say a word. And so she kissed her instead, and that was, for now, enough for them both.


End file.
